My Unexpected Journey with Healing
Healing is a long-ass process. It isn’t a straight line and it isn’t something you just accomplish one day. It’s messy and scary; it’s complicated and super inconsistent. It’s a long winding road and a crazy roller coaster. I wish I knew this before diving right into it. I don’t know what difference it would have made, but it would have been nice to know ahead of time.
I started my healing journey last year…the realest and deepest journey I’ve ever been on. I’m healing from past hurts, broken friendships and broken relationships. I’m healing from traumas I tucked away as a child. I’m healing from the traumas passed down to me. And with each wound I feel closing up I think to myself “ok, that’s done and over with. I’ll never have to feel that again.” And boy am I ever wrong.
Healing is NOT a linear road! Those wounds may be closed, but you can still feel the bruise underneath, you can still see the scar left behind, reminding you of what you went through to get it. And in that moment you’re thrown right back into that memory, re-living it again in your mind, feeling that wave of emotions all over again.
And if you’re anything like me you completely shut down. Your entire being goes into emergency mode and you have no idea when it’ll function properly again.
Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity. – Hippocrates
– Rachel Naomi Remen
Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.
Personally, it’s the worst thing to experience, right after the actual wound. Your brain is telling you to move on, let it go and go back to being your happy self…but it doesn’t communicate that to the rest of your body, it doesn’t fully reach your heart. So you’re left fully guarded, holding all your emotions in and unsure of where to put them all. And the worst part is being around others who can see this in full display, making you feel even more disappointed with yourself for just NOT MOVING THE F* ON.
My healing has been a long winding road, a road I’ve been so afraid to o on but finally gave myself the courage to venture it last year. Every day I’m learning more and more about myself, I’m getting braver and more comfortable with being authentically me. I’m learning what makes me happy and what doesn’t. I might even seem different to some people, and maybe I am. That’s what healing does. It changes you, it breaks down the barriers you didn’t know you had spent so much time building up. It awakens you to who you are, rather than who the world wants you to be.
Healing welcomes you with open arms, fully embracing who you are without judgment. But it isn’t something you just say goodbye to from one day to the next. Once you open the door to healing it tends to sit with you. It becomes your friend in this journey of life. Because even when you think your wound has completely healed itself, there’s still a little more to go. And even when you think something is just a bruise that doesn’t require much attention, it ends up being the hole that was bleeding the entire time.
So my idea dear friends, let’s not be so hard on ourselves. Let’s allow some grace and love, as we give so freely to others. We are on a journey most people are too afraid or ashamed to take. It’s a journey that requires hand-holding, loving, kind words, and a shoulder to cry on.
Know that you’re not alone, that I’m right here working through it every day just like you are. Most days I’m me, happy and free, but some days the wave comes out of nowhere to knock me down again. But I get my head out of the water and keeping breathing, keep swimming a little more each day. It’s a long journey, but I have no regrets. I’m not where I started, that’s for sure and I won’t be here when I’m all finished…with this part.
Healing is a beautiful pathway to giving ourselves the best life. To being the most beautiful version of ourselves, the version that leaves us at peace and in comfort. It leaves us seeing the world with new eyes, leaves us seeing the people around us a little differently. I started this journey a year ago and I haven’t looked back…I don’t plan on starting today and neither should you.