Life And Its Many Curveballs
Life…it has a way of changing things on you without so much as a warning. One minute you’re going down the path you think is pretty much set for you, you’re accepting what is happening around you and what may be…but life has other plans. Last time I wrote on here (and I apologize for anyone reading on the quietness) life was pretty great; I had the most amazing boyfriend, I was slowly looking for future living possibilities, I started this blog and my finances were actually getting in order. Fast forward to today, July 2021 and boy are things quite quite different. I am a single 31 year old, recently moved to California, quit my job of 8 years to start in a completely new industry and somehow I’m still keeping it all together.
Let’s start with the easiest life change, my job. For those of you who read my previous blogs you might remember I worked for an airline…8 years of my life was spent learning the aviation industry, moving up in different positions…but never being quite happy with what I was doing. Unfortunately like many companies today, this one wasn’t one that really valued its employees, but I had decided to give it one more chance and apply to a job at a corporate building in Seattle. I spent weeks of preparation, did 4 virtual interviews and completed a very well received presentation only to be offered the same amount I was making at the time, to move to one of the most expensives cities in the US…ummmm WTF?! So at that point I realized this was it, I had had enough and it was 100% time to move on, see what else I could do outside of the aviation industry…challenge myself to something new. Let’s leave that there for the moment and step into the most difficult decision of these past four months…the breakup.
My boyfriend truly was one of the good ones, he is kind hearted, loving, understanding, patient and pretty amazing all around. Unfortunately even that doesn’t mean much in relationships sometimes. I am not the girl to date just to date, just to have “fun” with. I date with a purpose; I date thinking with each step in the relationship what might come from it, where might we end up together…because really what is the point as a 31 year old who is looking for a life partner to be in a long distance relationship for longer than a year without actually thinking about the future. Here enters another ‘unfortunately’…Unfortunately, I was the only one thinking this way and turns out the man I was in a relationship with was actually emotionally unavailable. The things I saw for my future or our future scared him, he couldn’t see past the long distance, the facetimes and if I’m honest I don’t think he wanted to. So the tough decision came to do what was best for me, even though it hurt like hell, even though I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life…I broke up with him. And while we tried being friends for a time, the boundaries weren’t clear, the feelings were still there haunting me, hurting me and the decision to step away from the friendship came next.
“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.”
So here I am, 30 year old recently single and recently received a shitty job offer. The word devasted and rejected can’t even begin to describe what I was feeling. I’m not going to lie, I spent a couple days curled up in a ball crying, feeling sorry for myself, hearing that voice in my head tell me I wasn’t good enough for anyone, not even a job. But I quickly decided to change all that, I was heartbroken sure, but I refused to lay down and accept what was happening to me. So I made the decision to move to California with a cousin, signed a lease and spent two weeks applying to jobs every single day, until this out of this earth job landed on my lap. A job that offered to pay me so much more than my job at the time cared to think I was worth, a job out of my field but allowing me the opportunity to try; they saw my worth and here I am today. Fairly new Cali girl, with a heck of a lot of work on her plate but loving every moment of it.
Now I’m not going to pretend I’m not still dealing with shit…cause I could tell you stories. But the important thing is I decided to get up off the ground and keep fighting, and I’m still fighting. Therapy is a weekly thing, crying is still a thing, journaling, but the point is I’m still here. Two years ago the girl I was would have been ready to give up, to throw in the towel in regards to life and accept there was nothing good that could come out of life. But I refused to go back there, I refused to let life just be. Life throws us some crazy curveballs sometimes, but the point isn’t to duck and hide, the point is to learn from them, push forward and be better. So yes, it sucks that I can’t be with the person I love and it sucks that a job of 8 years couldn’t see my worth; but the point is I can..I see my worth and the people that matter, that love me today see it…and for right now I’m ok with that.
I love your strength and honesty. People only post about the great things happening in their life, but you’ve been transparent about the not-so-pretty things as well and I appreciate that. You are stronger than you know, and just because someone isn’t emotionally available or doesn’t SEE you, doesn’t diminish you one bit.